i am in the weeds.  i need help.  i am having one of those bad mommy days that no one talks about.  an avid blog reader, i have noticed that bloggers rarely write about these days.  i could talk about it with my girlfriends, but often times when we are together, surprisingly, talking about our children is not at the tip-top of the list. 
lately being ben's mom has been especially challenging.  i'll spare you the details, but there have been moments where i feel completely out-of-control. i try to step outside of myself in the moment and not react in a way that i will completely regret. i find myself wondering if we have made a wrong turn somewhere when it comes to discipline.  i wonder if this is just part of being the mother of a two-year old.  i wonder if this too shall pass.  or is his recent behavior, especially toward me, something i need to worry about?  i feel like we have worked really hard to do the right thing as parents, yet lately it seems we are headed in the wrong direction.  am i being too hard on myself?  or as a parent, am i supposed to be this hard on myself?

geez.  they weren't lying when they said kids don't come with instruction manuals.  if they sold them for a million dollars, i would be at the bank filling out a loan application right now.

i know that on this blog, i post pictures of the best parts of my week, but rarely talk about my worst.  and by not doing that, things can tend to look picture perfect, which just isn't the case.  for anyone, i hope :)  right or wrong, i find joy in the horror stories of others.  i want to know all about other people's bad days.  i want to hear all about the tantrums.  i want to know that someone else's little boy missed the toilet and peed all over the bathroom.  i want to hear all about the poop nightmares.  i want to know if other toddler's have pent-up aggression toward their mothers?  anyone?  anyone???  i thought that problem was reserved for moms and daughters during the teenage years ;)  
i felt i owed it to this blog to be completely honest.  actually, writing about this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day(s) has made me feel a tiny bit better and a little less like packing up and moving to mexico.

thanks for reading my novel.


  1. I'm sorry you're struggling....unfortunately I have no ground-breaking words of wisdom. But that picture of Ben with his head in a bucket was just the laugh I needed this morning. :)

  2. it will change. it will not always be like this. it is just terrible twos. (i will chant this for you).
    and when you have these moments or days, you have a key to this duplex up the street to retreat to when needed :)
    love you.

  3. sorry benny's being a bit difficult. i certainly am in no position to give wise advice. the only thing i could suggest is to take time for yourself every once in a while. take time to breath. take a drive. listen to good music, loudly. ben will love you always. you are a wonderful mother who gives your son everything he needs and more. it is the people who are closest to you who have the ability to push your buttons, make you react. i love you, and will kidnap your son anytime you need.

    oh, and you are right...more people should write about the good and the bad. that's the stuff i like reading...the whole story. so, thanks for being honest.

  4. I have not been on my computer lately, or I would've responded sooner! So sorry you are having a tough road with Ben...we will definitely talk this next week because my oldest makes me cry. daily. And I worry and wring my hands and seek Chad's advice every night, fearful that our relationship will never be good. But I know I love her, she needs boundaries and rules, and she will not always look at me as the not-fun-mom. (I overheard her talking to Caroline in the bathroom recently and saying, "our mama is mean. I wish we had a nice mama like Camden and Austin's mama." OUCH!)
    If only they knew what they did to us! See you in a few days, and love you!

  5. Oh, Coco Chanel. I love that you put it out there. You're very right, from the outside it does look picture perfect, and it's good for you to share the not so perfect view sometimes. It's good for all of us to share that view sometimes.
    I remember an Estes Park trip, hanging out in Ol Man River, and I got SO annoyed with you and Chelsey b/c you were just after each other and would NOT give it up, just pick, pick, pick. And I remember telling you, finally, to quit--both of you--because one day you would hate how ugly you were to each other and you would never be able to imagine being that hateful again. And one day you got there. And she's one of your favorite people on the planet and knows you in a way that no one else ever could.
    It was worth the wait, wasn't it?
    I know your son is a terrible comparison to your sister, but it's just to say that something that is so wonderful, but so difficult, might feel like it can never get there. And then one day it just does.
    I'm sorry for the struggle in the meantime. I know his good moments out-shine his bad times a million, and you are SUCH a good Mommy to that little stinker and to the next one on the way. You have not gone wrong, just keep being the best Mom you can be, he'll keep being the best (and brattiest, god bless him) son he can be, and you'll get there. It will be worth it fo sho.

  6. WELLL...here I am ..a good week behind the train. You are amazing...and he is too...and most often that boy is gonna test it with you, because you are his momma...and he knows you aren't going anywhere....(should we tell him about your Mexico back up plan?) Besides, I need you to do it all now so in 6 months to a year, I can come running to you for needed advice (which you already give me so perfectly now)...so hang in there so the rest of us can know it is gonna be alllllll right. Love you